How to Stay Awake at Work

I recently noticed that when trying to sleep at night I find myself with my eyes wide open and my mind whirring, whilst at work I find my lids weighing heavy on my eyes, and my brain feels like someones poured custard into it. It’s like being really drunk, except that it’s really boring.

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“YAAAWWWN… ah… what did I miss? Wait… what? We invaded who now???!!!”

I pull my chair in to pin my stomach to the table in an attempt to hold my body up and stop me from sliding down into the chair till my head is at a right angle to my torso. I try and stare really intensely at the screen, I shake my face around and try and joggle my mind into some action. But like a snow globe it all just settles again. Back to the mist and the murk. Back to the Custard.


Like this, but with much less open eyes.

So, why is this happening? Is it just a natural fact of long days at a desk? Or am I doing something wrong? Well, if I am doing something wrong, it seems at least that I’m not the only one:


People, it seems, are even more annoyed with being tired than they with being fat and cold. We don’t have a obesity epidemic (well, we do, but thats not the point) NOR do we have a a problem with heating poverty (again, we do, but that’s not what I’m trying to say) we have a tiredness epidemic. Everyone is tired, all the time. So why? Why? WHY?  WHY? WHY?   



Like, why dude?

Well maybe it is because the modern world is so all bad and that and stuff so we are all always rushing around and have weird sleep patterns and that and its all rubbish man like wtf?


“Man that is like, such a good point, its like, why all the rush man? Slow it down yo. Yeah, what do you think about it leaf child sarah?’

“Like, no more socks, you know?’

Hmmmm, interesting points unfair and insulting caricatures of well meaning people, maybe you’re right. For many city dwellers time is at a constant premium and jobs involve a lot of sitting around. This is a bad combination, to have a proper cycle of feeling awake and tired at the right times you need to have regular exercise and it helps if that exercise takes place throughout the day. When your life revolves around your desk you don’t really stand much of a chance to have a healthy balanced day especially if, like me, you get bored and feed that boredom with a diet of the four C’s: Chocolate, cake, crisps and coffee.

Fun fact: It doesn’t help.

Other fun facts: Here is how, apparently, you can feel less tired.

1. Eat your Breakfast! Apparently if you eat breakfast everything is fine. But if you don’t you will die.

2. Eat every three to four hours. This keeps your energy and moral levels high. Recommended foods are fruit, crystal meth and razor blades.

3. Fill up on more fibre! Specifically, fibre glass.

4. Fuel your brain with omega-3. But not omega-1, omega-1 is the street name for crystal meth and razor blades. So actually, yes to omega-1, down with omega-3, apparently it just makes old people senile, racist and conservative.


“There you go honey…” … “Damn looney left lizards with all their Chinese supermarkets!” 

5. Stay hydrated! You are 98,000% water but if you don’t drink regularly that drops to -1,000,000% water and you will die and suck all moisture out of those around you causing them to die and everyone to die and the human race to end forever leaving the cockroaches to rule. And they’ll probably instigate practical and effective common sense policies that will make us all look like idiots.

6. Watch caffeine intake after noon. Drink caffeine any time after noon and your sleep will be ruined. Unless your italian, apparently if your Italian you can drink it real proper late and stilla geta to sleepa mama mia!


1. /ˈstɛrɪə(ʊ)tʌɪp,ˈstɪərɪə(ʊ)-/ Noun. A widely held but fixed and oversimplified image or idea of a particular type of person or thing.

2. a relief printing plate cast in a mould made from composed type or an original plate.

7. Suit up in a “power” outfit. Much like Iron Man, storm troopers and politicians, if you put on a fancy suit you can do things you never would have dreamt you could do! Like fly! Or dodge bullets! Or condemn children to poverty and death through welfare policy!

8. Put on more make up! Come on ladies, don’t walk around with a sad tired face, even if that is how you feel on the inside, remember: who you are and how you feel on the inside has absolutely no bearing on your value as a person. As ‘WebMd’ say: “it helps to look in the mirror and see an energising image… (it) will give you a big mental boost every time you catch sight of your reflection (or receive a compliment) throughout the day.”


“Because I’m Happy, Happy. HAPPY, HAPPY!

From ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams, sub-title: ‘Lift Music for The Apocalypse of Man’

So there you go, now you can stay wide awake all day and productivity will be up 20% meaning you can better serve the master class to bring forth a fruitful harvest as the Gods demand. It is your responsibility to serve to repay your debt to those who hath given you the world. All praise the masters.

All praise the masters.